by Jennifer J. Riley

Many divorce lawyers are not psychologists, but after working with thousands of people during the most difficult times of their lives, we see the impact of the divorce process on the health and well-being of our clients and their families. One of the most trying times in the divorce process is often facing the first holiday “alone”.

Just as the scales of justice balance, so must we. If we allow it, accompanying the grief of letting go of the past can be the joy of ushering in and—truly—designing a new future. The holidays are a time of tradition and we can too often allow what we define as “tradition” to root us in what should be. When grieving, whether after death or divorce, we often cling to “tradition”, turning our attention to what is missing, what we’ve lost and what has changed. For whatever reason we find ourselves on a new path, whether by choice or by life’s circumstances, not following the path of traditions can make us feel lost, afraid and alone. These are the experiences my clients share about their first holiday in the divorce process.

The late Wayne Dyer said, “Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be.” During the divorce process, our mind is in a tug of war (sometimes, literally, if a case is in court). On one side, the heart is pulled towards tradition and, with the change, feeling loss; on the other side, the heart is beckoned by change and, with the newness, feeling free. Resting in “should be” might initially be easier—and, in the divorce court, often results in prolonged litigation, stress, costs and drain. Aspiring towards change can be rewarded by the unique opportunity in life to become the architect of your own peace.

Stepping onto a new path will not feel like the old path. It may bend and twist in ways we cannot yet navigate without light. But we need to find the light, hold the light and shine the light for others facing the same new terrain. Our lawyers are trained litigators, but they focus, too, on applying their learned experience to help our clients find balance, peace and their way on this new path.

What I have learned as a divorce lawyer, and as someone who has and is experiencing grief after the loss of her father, is that the first holiday in grief is not only the change in traditions, of what we might think the holidays should be, but also a time of being and of forging a new path towards where we want to go—allowing us to design the life we want.

Jennifer J. Riley is an attorney with JJR, the Law Offices of Jennifer J. Riley, with offices in Blue Bell and Wayne, PA. For more information, call 215-283-5080 or visit www.JJRLawFirm.com.