by Aniyiah Wiggins

Sometimes, what looks like people-pleasing is actually an attempt to feel safe. We say yes when we mean no. We apologize before anyone has accused us of doing anything wrong. We replay conversations looking for signs that someone is upset. Over time, these patterns can fuel overthinking and keep the cycle going. Understanding where these responses come from allows us to stop asking “What is wrong with me?” and start asking “What happened to me that taught me to respond this way?” 

Understanding What Happens to Us

Psychotherapist Pete Walker introduced the term “fawn response” in his writings on trauma and codependency. He described fawning as a protective response in which a person appeases, flatters or submits to others in an effort to create safety. It’s much more than being a people pleaser. In fact, Walker conceptualized fawning as the “Fourth F” alongside the trauma responses of fight, flight and freeze. Rather than expressing their own boundaries, or disagreement, someone that is fawning may automatically prioritize another person’s comfort to avoid conflict or rejection. In this way, fawning can become a learned survival strategy: If we learn, consciously or unconsciously, that saying “no” feels unsafe, saying “yes” can begin to feel like a safer choice. 

Fawning is not always harmful. In some situations, appeasing someone may help us navigate conflict or protect our safety. For example, someone facing an aggressive person may resort to appeasing them as a de-escalating tactic. The question is not whether we should ever appease others, but whether we recognize when we are doing it, and why. 

The Fawning-Overthinking Cycle 

Society often tells us that we should keep everyone happy, which can make it even harder to recognize when we are abandoning our own needs. Fawning can create constant monitoring of others as in if they are upset or if we did something wrong. Overthinking, or the rumination of past or future experiences, can keep the brain focused on perceived danger. The two can reinforce each other, creating an exhausting cycle of fawning, to monitoring, to overthinking and more attempts to appease.

Instead of shaming ourselves for a response that once helped us feel safe, we can practice self-compassion. We can practice understanding where fawning came from and giving ourselves enough grace to pause, tolerate discomfort, and choose differently. 

Aniyiah Wiggins is with A Space For Us Counseling, Inc., located at 11 W. Ormond Ave., Ste. 100A, in Cherry Hill, NJ. For more information or to make an appointment, call 609-920-3848 or visit www.ASpaceForUsCounseling.com.